First time at a dog show, I’ll tell you quite plain,
I’ll never, no never go back there again.
The breeder said “show him.” when I bought my dog.
I showed him all right, the whole place was agog!

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin,
But I couldn’t bear to stick the thing in.
Sos I rushed to the shop and brought some glue,
And I stuck the card onto the rear in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first,
In the dog pup class (this part was the worst)
We marhed in together as fast as was able,
Arrived at the judge, who said, “Up on the table!”

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight,
And I just could’t make it, try hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried. He said “Listen here,
Put the DOG on the table, not you my dear.”

By Now I was trembling, I felt such a fool,
But I said to myself, “We’ll just play it cool.”
“How old?”, said the judge. I heard it quite clear,
Well, really, thought I, and said, “Thirty next year.”

The Steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit,
He sputtered and coughed, his eyes ran a bit.
“I’d have that cough seen to, ” I said to him when
He’d finally stopped… but soon started again.

“Once round the ring, Dear, as fast as you can,”
Said the judge, so I just ran and ran
But, when I arrived (out of breath I’ll admit)
The judge said, ” your dog, dear.” I felt such a twit.

Off round again, I kept my head bent.
Oh the shame, my pup crouched and just went and went.
A lady came running with a bucket and spade.
With manure that spicy, has she got it made!

We came back to the judge, who said with a frown,
“Stand your dog.” I replied, “He’s not lying down!”
You can take First Place Stand, he said. I said, “Ha!”
What a job I had getting that sand in the car!

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