Canine Resolutions for the New Year

– I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

– The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

– I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

– I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

– I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

– I will not eat the cats’ food, before, or after, they eat it.

– I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

– I will not throw up in the car.

– I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

– The litter box is not a cookie jar.

– I will not wake up Mummy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

– I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

– I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

– When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

– I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

– We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.

– I will not steal my Mum’s underwear and dance all over the garden with them.

– The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum and Dad’s laps.

– My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

– I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mum’s driver’s license and car registration.

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