While we’re tallying the dogs vs. cats votes (dogs are winning, cat lovers!) I thought it might be fun to look at some of
the reasons we love our feline companions. Following are the basic laws of physics as they apply to cats, which are not necessarily at all like those that apply to us
Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Additionally, dark fur will only be attracted to
light clothing and vice versa.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap
Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation – A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction – A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration – A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until it gets good and ready
Law of Dinner Table Attendance – Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration – No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance – A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for the
cat to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation – Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
something approaching the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable
spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to its embarrassment times the amount
of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption – A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you it can.
Law of Furniture Replacement – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of said
Law of Cat Landing – A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an
unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement – A cat immersed in milk will displace its own volume, minus the amount of milk
Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a
human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Law of the Scratching Post – A cat will reject formal cat scratching posts in favor of the most expensive
piece of furniture in the house.
Law of Doors – A cat will not allow any particular door in a given room to remain closed. However, once said
door is opened it is of no interest whatsoever except as a place to stand half in and half out of.
Law of Hairballs – The necessity of a cat to regurgitate a hairball is directly proportional to the expense/difficulty-in-cleaning of the item upon which the cat is currently
Law of Humans – Humans exist for three primary reasons; to feed the cat, give the cat attention, and clean the litter
Law of Arrogance – Complete arrogance and indifference must be maintained at all times lest other, larger house dwellers
forget who is truly in charge.