THINGS A DOG MUST REMEMBER:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee
table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the
bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats’ food, either before they eat it or after they
throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to be sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no
matter how good they smell.

9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them
after processing, in the back yard.

11. The daiper bin is not a cookie jar.

12. My humans’ toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they’ll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that
when I throw up, my people will not assume I am haemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s
license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat
mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing
after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an
unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not fart in my owner’s face while I am sleeping on the pillow
next to their heads.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a magical, never-ending water supply, and just
because the water is blue doesn’t mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is here.

28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are here.

29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

30. Even though he’s too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back

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